Outside influences and inside pain.

My heart was crushed yesterday when I learned that it had been perceived by a large number of people that I had profited greatly by my works with the non profit that I helped to charter.  You would think after twenty years of working in the community,  I would be well trained in rejecting such nonsense. While I stated out loud " That's not true and I can't let that affect me."  It has.


I have given more than twenty one years of my life to an organization that I dearly love.  I love it because of what it has done for the children of this community. Having been one of those at-risk children myself whose early exposure to the arts changed my world, I wanted to offer the same.


So it has been perceived by many, I am told, that my work with this organization and my work in the community has all been for great personal gain.  Well, I guess some of that is true.  I have gained a great deal of pride and an ever greater sense of accomplishment. I have gained many wonderful memories along the way. I have gained many new friends. And I have gained a better sense of self.  But to say that I have gained financially is the biggest falsehood.  In fact, I have given my twenty years of service with no pay in return. And I have written more than a half a million dollars in grants with no compensation. I have raised thousands of dollars with not a dime returned to me.


While I know my spirit and my brain tell me that I don't have to explain myself. There is that sadness that wells up in me that makes it hard for me to choke it down. To spend two decades of your life giving to a cause that feeds your spirit, only to learn that many people think you did it only for money....and a lot of it....is just painful.


 I have used this blog to tell my stories, to share my loves, my pain and my life. It has helped me to write it down.  Putting it out there for the public has been part of the healing process.  I know I am not the only one to be the victim of rumors but sometimes it helps to learn you're not alone. We all have our challenges. We all struggle to find our place in society.  I have found mine.  I just lost my place in line. I'll dust my knees off. I'll straighten my hair, wipe my tears and suck it up. I've got more work to do and I can't let this distract me.


So, I have purged. I have explained myself. Defended myself, whatever you want to call it. And now I am done.      Back to work!




 

Advice for Young Women.

Getting old has been a journey that didn't come with special instructions. I don't remember anyone who is my age now, sitting me down and telling me about the facts of old age. Not to be confused with the facts of life. ...which you would think would include old age.

You would think that they would be willing to share their experiences with young folks. They sure didn't mind telling me how they raised their children. They didn't mind telling me how not to wear my clothes. They didn't mind telling me how they didn't like my music.

I had always heard that life begins at 40. I'm way past 40 now and I can tell you that was baloney. I heard that wisdom comes with old age. I'm not so sure that's true either.

So, I decided to take it upon myself to use my personal experiences to shed some light on a subject that should be shared:  "Getting old. "

First of all, let me just say to those of you out there who have been blessed with great legs.... Wear shorts. Wear them often and wear them, well, short. There will come a day when you can't show them off because the varicose veins and cellulite have made themselves at home.

For those of you who have been blessed with great boobs....Show them off. Show them off and be proud of them. Because there will come a day when you will find yourself looking for them under your arms, behind your back. Anywhere but where they use to be. And wrestling them into your bra will be your new Olympic sport.

For those of you who have been blessed with great hair. Flaunt it. Throw it around on your head and sling it with great pride. Because there will come a day when you find yourself paying less attention to the hair on your head and more attention to the hair growing under your nose. And we won't talk about what happens to your 'plumbing.' Let me just say that the fittings are loose and the pipes leak. And the gas lines are completely unpredictable.

For those of you who have never considered the day when your beauty will have faded and no one will give you a second look. Oh, you'll get second looks alright. And you'll question whether they are looking at the stuff you must have stuck between your teeth....or god forbid...hanging out of your nose.

Don't waste your precious time worrying about your weight. Be glad you're young. And don't hang around people who make you feel self conscious about your weight. They'll be the first to leave you when you're old.

So, my advice is this. Appreciate what you have. Appreciate what God has blessed you with. And work on your sense of humor more. Definitely work on your personality and sense of humor. Because at the end of your journey, when your beautiful hair is gone, your boobs are hanging around your waist and your legs will barely get you up a short flight of stairs, you'll need a sense of humor to get you through the day.

You're welcome.

Twenty Years In The Making.

This spring, the idea that I had twenty years ago will be celebrated. I still can't believe it.  Twenty years ago, we started the Spring Arts Festival.  I had waited for the arts to be included in the public school system because now I had my own little fella in the system.  Then I  realized that it probably wasn't going to happen. Instead of more concentration on the arts and validation that there was value in arts-in-education, I saw a decline and I saw more and more of what was offered slowly but surely being eliminated.

Having established the first afterschool enrichment center in Minden with the emphasis on the arts, I came to recognize an enormous opportunity to bring the arts to the community sans public education.  So, I pitched the idea of a festival for children to the board of Cultural Crossroads and it was an easy sell. Well, I say that now, maybe I didn't give them much of a chance to disagree. When you're talking about children and what they need, Minden is a great town to pitch.

We started planning and our first festival was held downtown with our now ever popular hands-on museum held in the same building that now houses City Artworks. We blocked the downtown area and brought in every imaginable arts discipline from music to theatre. Harmon Drew Super Group performed on the brick streets of Minden. Privately, I was disappointed in the turn out. I thought Harmon and his group deserved a bigger audience. But through the years, I would see disappointment again in many things that I thought would be cheered, celebrated, promoted and most importantly appreciated. And not that they weren't but not to the degree that I thought they should be.

It's been a labor of love and of heartache these twenty years. But I guess anything worth the fight is worth the battle. And I am admitting now that it has been a battle. As an advocate for the arts and certainly an advocate for children, I thought combining the two would be an easy sell. But to be honest, it hasn't.  Every year I would agonize over what could we do this year that would really get their attention? What could we offer that would really show them that this is truly a good thing? And when would the school system finally understand that they need Arts-In-Education?

So, now here we are 20 years later and I am looking over the many 'moments in time' that we captured on film and it makes me ponder. So, what did we want to accomplish? What benchmarks did we hope to reach? I guess in my heart of hearts, I was hoping that the town and more importantly the children would see the beauty in the arts. I thought they would come to understand as I have that the arts makes life so beautiful. And sometimes art makes life bearable.

As I gaze over the many photographs that captured the beauty of the moment, I realize that I was wrong. We had accomplished what I wanted. The children had embraced the beauty of the arts through their dance, music and spoken word or painted images. We captured it in time, at the time, for the moment and for the experience.

I am proud to tell you that after 20 years, I am still amazed at the talent we have in this little community. I am still appreciative of the many volunteers who seem to find the time each year to help us give to this town the gift of the moment!

It's our birthday! We're 20 years old and still growing! No gifts, please! ...just money, so we can continue to do what we love.

Love doesn't always come easy.

My father was a beaten man.   All my life I witnessed his addictions, his anger and his abuse.  I didn’t hate him but it did make it difficult at times for me to find that bond that I know exists between children and their parents. …a bond that I have with my own child.  

When I was in high school, I realized that if I didn’t distance myself from this life of abuse and addiction that I would fall victim to it, too.  So, without consciously knowing it at the time, I slowly but surely put time and distance between us.   It wasn’t hard to do at times since my father was a lifer. A decorated military man.  He spent more than 20 years in the military traveling around the country. Sometimes with his family and sometimes without us.

I don’t remember my father sharing his childhood experiences with us.  I would hear from my Aunts and Uncles of the abuse my father received as a child at the hand of his own father.  And when I heard about those incidences, it made me wonder if that is what made him so angry all the time.  My father followed in the footsteps of his father and his abuse towards his own children was another demon he had to face.

My father was a beaten man.  I read a quote from someone recently that said the bully and the bullied  are both victims. And I think that is true. 

My father passed away today.  His struggles and his sorrows are gone. He can rest now. While my emotions have been hidden or suppressed all these years, they surfaced today with a forgiveness  that I can’t explain and heartfelt love that I can’t explain either.

I visited my father this past Christmas Day for the first time in years. I don’t know what made me go. We had not exchanged words in years.  While it was strange, it wasn’t strained. And I was so glad. My last words to him were “I love you.” 

Today I am finding comfort in having had one last chance to ‘love’ him and tell him so.

Loving Mr. Moore

When our son was born, I knew that it would be a challenge to raise him without prejudice especially around here where prejudice seemed to be the norm. I know that sounds like an unkind statement to make about the place I call ‘home’ but it was true and I would come to realize later just how deep it runs.

When Ben was around three or four years old, we took him to visit our closest neighbors Mr. and Mrs. Davis Moore, who lived a mile or so from us. We had visited with the Moores before but on this day, we decided to spend a little more time. Big Daddy and Big Momma is what their family called them. And they insisted that we called them that, too. It was not unusual to drive by and see Big Daddy and Big Momma sitting on their front porch waving at passerbys. We decided to stop by one Sunday afternoon. We drove up and joined Big Daddy on the front porch. Big Momma was still in church. There were only three chairs on the front porch. I took the seat next to Big Daddy and Rick sat next to me. Ben instinctively climbed up on to Big Daddy’s lap. Big Daddy seemed to be pleased with that.

Big Daddy was in his eighties at this time. He was a big man. He had the sweetest nature and we always felt comfortable around him. While Ben was fiddling with Big Daddy's bluejean overalls, we began to visit like we always had but our conversations seemed to include more questions about his past and his life. He shared with us that day that until recently he had never ventured out of the parish or the area for that matter.. He told his stories about picking cotton in the field across the road from his home. While he was sharing the details of his younger days, we noticed that Ben was focused on Big Daddy's face. I saw how Ben was looking at him and I worried that he would say something inappropriate. Then it came. “Big Daddy?” Ben asked. “Yes, sweet baby boy.” “Why do you have seed ticks all over your face?” We all just busted out laughing. Big Daddy laughed harder than anyone. He laughed so hard his belly shook up and down and the motion of his stomach lifted Ben up and down. He finally caught his breathe and said. “Oh chil, you are precious. Those aren’t seed ticks.” Big Daddy paused and said with such kindness, “those are little moles on my face. You get ‘em when your old.” Ben seemed satisfied with that.

We would visit with Big Daddy over the years and he would always bring up that time when Little Ben asked about his seed ticks. It would always make him laugh. We didn’t visit as much as we wished we had over the years. We watched them grow older and we watched their children and grandchildren grow up and grow older.

We came to realize that the Moore's were foster parents to more than 24 children. They raised their own and found time to help others in need. Many of their children and foster children grew up to become college graduates and many if not all live successful lives as educators and professionals.

Big Daddy died in January of 1998. He was 92 years old, just one month shy of his 93rd birthday. Rick and I both attended his funeral. And like every other time we were with him, it was a moment in time that we would look back on and feel privileged that we knew Big Daddy and Big Momma. We miss seeing Mr. Moore cross the street to his vegetable garden with his rake in hand. We miss the slabs of ham and bacon they would send over to us everytime they 'rendered' a pig. We miss seeing them wave at us from their front porch. We loved them and they loved us.

What speaks to your soul?

While I was moved to share with you the secret of Br. B.F. Martin's generosity, I am moved to share with you another act of kindness. This act was also a secret. Not because I was instructed to do so but because it was experienced only by me and the donor (whose name I don't know).  While I spoke of it privately to friends and family, it was an experience that moves me to tears every time I tell it.

It was the opening day of the Hurricane Relief Center. We had circulated fliers to all the churches requesting donated items for our Monday morning opening.  The first person to walk into the Relief Center that Monday morning was an elderly black man. He was carrying three hangers with clean and meticulously pressed jeans. Used jeans. I approached him and asked him how I could help.  He handed me the jeans on the hangers and then went on to explain how he had stayed up all night washing and pressing them. "They're old jeans," He said. "But they're clean. I figured someone could use them. These folks got nothing."

I took the jeans on the hangers from him. While he also apologized for not having anything else to give. He said that he only had four pair of jeans to his name.  Three of which hung starched and ironed on the hangers. The forth pair he was wearing.

I could hardly speak. Tears were rolling down my cheek as I accepted his sweet offer.

There were many acts of kindness to follow including that of Br. Martin, but it was this single act of generosity that spoke to my soul. While I figure that the old gentleman was limited in his means, he was certainly not limited in his selflessness.

It was this gesture of love at the beginning of our efforts that shaped the way we would close the relief center at the end. Once the holidays were over and we went about our business closing the relief center down. We opened the doors to area churches, smaller relief efforts and we even shipped clothes to Texas. We still had racks and racks of clothes.  We called around to see what other relief efforts were doing with the mounds of clothes they had left over. Many told us they just carried them to the dump.

I remembered the jeans. I remembered the little black man who stayed up all night and pressed those jeans. I remembered his sweet face as he apologized because he had nothing else worth giving, so he thought.   I felt the love. And I felt that it would be disrespectful and unchristian to throw any piece of clothing away.

So, we made the decision to keep the clothes. Not for ourselves. But to use as future quilts. The Quilting Queens, made up of Relief Center volunteers, was formed.  And the clothes were rendered into scraps and quilt after quilt were crafted by these sweet amazing women. Many of whom had never quilted before.

The love shown during this tragic time in our State's history was sewn into every quilt and either donated or raffled to raise more money for the continued relief efforts.

Three pair of used jeans and $30,000 in cash were the smallest and largest contribution to the Relief Center. Both were equally astounding. And both spoke to my soul?

I'm not good at keeping secrets.

Perception is a funny thing. For some people it is 'their truth.' And I guess that's where we all fall into the trap of making assumptions based on our perceptions. I would like to share a truth with you all now.  This is not about me but about someone who swore me to secrecy. And I kept his secret until his death a little over a year ago.

The story starts like this. Following Hurricane Katrina, Jenny Reynolds and I opened the Hurricane Relief Center in the old WalMart building in Minden.  As overseers of the donations, we knew first hand who was contributing to the relief center. Many donors did not request to remain anonymous and not that we required it or that it made their generosity any less appreciative. But I found it strange that most people thought that the majority of the donations, the sizable ones anyway, 'came from the well-to-do white folks in town.' And some people were pretty vocal about it, too. 

We operated the relief center for three months. Right up to Christmas. While we were fortunate to have received some donations from a very generous community, the evacuees still had to pick from what was there. And sometimes it didn't mean that we had something for everyone. 

Just a few weeks before Christmas, a gentleman walked into the Relief Center and asked if we could come out to the car.  I went to see what was up. There was another man sitting in the back seat of the car with the door open. He had one leg out and turned around as if to get out but remained seated. I approached the car and saw who it was. I shook his hand and he asked me if I had time to talk to him for a minute. 

He told me he knew that Jenny and I had kept up with the evacuees that remained in town. He asked what that number was. I told him that we knew of 30 families that were still in Minden following Katrina.  With his checkbook in hand, he began to write. And while he was writing he told me that he appreciated everything we were doing for the evacuees. He went on to say 'but  they deserved to be able to go the store and buy their family presents.'  He said he appreciated what we were doing here but that it just wasn't the same as being able to go out and buy it for yourself.  He asked if we could process his check and see to it that each family receive his kind donation. 

As he finished writing his check. He tore it out of his checkbook and handed it me with one condition he said." You can't tell anyone where this came from. No one is to know that I did this. Not the evacuees. Not the public. Not anyone. Do you understand? "   "Yes, sir," I said. He folded the check in two,handed it to me and said "God Bless You." He sat back in his seat, shut the door and drove away. 

The man was Rev. B. F. Martin and the check was for $30,000. We saw to it that each family received a $1,000 check to spend as they saw fit. We never told them who the donor was.

 Rev. B.F. Martin was Santa Claus for them that year. And he was our hero.  He had made the single largest contribution ever to our relief effort. And we kept it a secret. Until today! 

I'm not good at keeping secrets. And this one was meant to be shared.