Outside influences and inside pain.

My heart was crushed yesterday when I learned that it had been perceived by a large number of people that I had profited greatly by my works with the non profit that I helped to charter.  You would think after twenty years of working in the community,  I would be well trained in rejecting such nonsense. While I stated out loud " That's not true and I can't let that affect me."  It has.


I have given more than twenty one years of my life to an organization that I dearly love.  I love it because of what it has done for the children of this community. Having been one of those at-risk children myself whose early exposure to the arts changed my world, I wanted to offer the same.


So it has been perceived by many, I am told, that my work with this organization and my work in the community has all been for great personal gain.  Well, I guess some of that is true.  I have gained a great deal of pride and an ever greater sense of accomplishment. I have gained many wonderful memories along the way. I have gained many new friends. And I have gained a better sense of self.  But to say that I have gained financially is the biggest falsehood.  In fact, I have given my twenty years of service with no pay in return. And I have written more than a half a million dollars in grants with no compensation. I have raised thousands of dollars with not a dime returned to me.


While I know my spirit and my brain tell me that I don't have to explain myself. There is that sadness that wells up in me that makes it hard for me to choke it down. To spend two decades of your life giving to a cause that feeds your spirit, only to learn that many people think you did it only for money....and a lot of it....is just painful.


 I have used this blog to tell my stories, to share my loves, my pain and my life. It has helped me to write it down.  Putting it out there for the public has been part of the healing process.  I know I am not the only one to be the victim of rumors but sometimes it helps to learn you're not alone. We all have our challenges. We all struggle to find our place in society.  I have found mine.  I just lost my place in line. I'll dust my knees off. I'll straighten my hair, wipe my tears and suck it up. I've got more work to do and I can't let this distract me.


So, I have purged. I have explained myself. Defended myself, whatever you want to call it. And now I am done.      Back to work!